Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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