Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
