i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
