I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
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