is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
