Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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