You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
