Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
