I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
