i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
