See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
