Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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