I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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