i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
