yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
