I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need moral support for this bender
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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