I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
