dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
