please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
