Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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