enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
