Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
