Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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