pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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