Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
