she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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