So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
