I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
