You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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