Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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