I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
