you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
