4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
