the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
