My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
