I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
