theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
