Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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