My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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