I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
