Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
