did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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