I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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