I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
