Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
