Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Dignity is for republicans.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
