the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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