I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
