does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
