so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We're too hungover to prance.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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